Those who know me know Larry. Those that don’t know me — This is Larry. Don’t be fooled. He’s a handful. For non-boxer people: Imagine a cute 10 week old puppy. Put that energy into a 75 pound boxer dog body. That’s the first four years of having a boxer.

 

He's plotting his next move to make you reconsider all the choices you have ever made.

He’s plotting his next move to make you reconsider all the choices you have ever made.

SO…I’ve been trying to do some cardio 3-5 days a week and I’ve been walking Larry very early in the morning. He’s such a good boy in the morning…unlike in the afternoons when there is so much activity he’s almost impossible to keep on task and you want to kill him and then yourself. So this morning we leave around 5….do our mile and some such and are almost home when through amnesia I completely disregard the fact that Larry and I do not sense things at exactly the same time or in the same way. Approximately 2.02262 seconds before I see him, Larry sees an innocent man jogging on the other side of the street. Within the span of these 2.02262 seconds the following things happen:
  • Larry lunges for this person
  • My disregard for Larry’s strength results in him jerking the lead clean out of my hand
  • Larry is running at a speed nearing 48.9 miles per hour straight at this jogger
  • The jogger is looking for an escape route or a rope ladder to fall from a helicopter, and
  • I’m standing on a dead silent residential street in Midlothian, Texas screaming “LARRRRRYYY LARRRYYYYY” at the top of my lungs.
Larry reaches jogger and begins jumping up and down and body slamming him as if the actual mosh pit is starting right there to the Killswitch Engage song that I cannot hear but Larry obviously could. The jogger is both trying to keep him away and (somehow) laughing. I am still screaming — “NO! LARRY! NO! HEWON’THURTYOUIPROMISE NO NO LAAARRRYYY!” all while I’m trying to cover the same distance Larry did in 0.9832 seconds (it took me probably 9 seconds).

The jogger was very gracious—no harm no foul….. Larry was in full “IS THIS FUN OR WHAT?!?!?” mode and I am so embarrassed I want to die.

Jogger jogs away, Larry cries at his departure, and I’m standing in the middle of the street thinking, “Someone in one of these houses is sure that a mental patient named Larry is loose in the neighborhood and there’s an even crazier person trying to catch him.”

Pounds to lose: 98
Pounds lost: 7

. . .begins with a single step. I am taking those first crucial steps.

step
While this post is short, there is more to come. I am finally embarking on something I’ve always wanted to do and more information will be here soon. Anyone who has a problem with a fit person who became very fat and is now going to be in the best shape of her life probably will find the next year of posts very boring. Those who find the topic interesting please stay tuned.

Today’s Exercise: Cardio Dance Slim Down from THE FIRM

Total Pounds to Lose: 98

Total Pounds Lost: 2

Happy New Year to my six return readers. 🙂

I have made several serious decision but the biggest is to finish my degree. It only took a mere twenty-five years for me to listen to my mother and (once again) decide that she was 100% correct. I am not getting where I want to go in life. I’m more than I have become. So I am a college student again.

One of my classes is Ethics I. Interesting definition:

Rationalism: An ethical tradition that maintains that morality derives from the fundamental nonmoral value of reason.

Well, kiss my grits. That is directly from planet Vulcan! I shared that thought with Hub and he looked eat me as if he was hoping I had gleaned more from my first class. I didn’t wait for him to respond regarding rationalism and instead went headlong to:

Hedonism: An ethical tradition that maintains that there is just one fundamental good: pleasure (or happiness).

“Which of these are you currently practicing?” he asked.

He knows the answer to that question.

I will accept nothing less than being a straight A student. It’s only logical.

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Official fitness journey …. two weeks and one day in. I found the best picture for this path I’m on:

Keep quiet and get busy.

Keep quiet and get busy.

More to come.

Down 12.4 pounds. Workouts completed (all from The FIRM Workout): Time Crunch Cardio & Super Cardio, Ultimate Fat Burning Workout, Cardio Party, Super Cardio Sculpt, Maximum Cardio Burn, Strength, Fat Blaster, Bust & Butt, Ultimate Calorie Blaster, Complete Aerobics & Weight Training, Total Sculpt.

 

Tonight’s work out = Super Cardio

This is me at work today.

This is me at work today.

 

WELL last night I could NOT fall asleep….. At midnight I was mad and then I realized that Hub was either dead or had hit a magic spot on his tower of pillow because he was still and utterly silent. So of course I then laid there trying to detect if he was breathing and I was concerned that if he was actually non-snore sleeping and I woke him he’d be mad and I didn’t want him to be mad but I also didn’t want him to be dead and I wondered how long I could lay awake next to a dead guy without the police really questioning my intentions and then I was trying to decide the best way to ascertain vital signs. A check of his pulse was out because it’d wake him up and then I thought maybe I should get out of bed and go to his side of the bed (because crossing the tower of pillow is akin to scaling Kilimanjaro and that would be a noisy and aerobic affair to which I wanted no part) and then I wondered if I could just violently flop around in the bed just enough to get him to react to me and I wound up going “YOU OKAY?!” really loud and he jumped awake and said, “YES WTF?” and then he was up until 4.

Let’s continue with the Year of Honesty (TYOH).

It is difficult to know a hero. When you realize that is what you are looking at and try to wrap your mind around being that selfless….that brave….that unintimidated you  second guess yourself and what you have accomplished.

It is also difficult when you realize you are married to a hero. Not Thor. Not Tony Stark’s Iron Man. A real live in the flesh hero. I imagine Chris Kyle’s beautiful widow realized that, too. I’m lucky in the fact that mine is still in my bed. And I grieve for her. I hurt for her and others exactly like her. Think for yourself people. Mrs. Kyle’s husband saved countless lives and your children sleep under the blanket of opportunity that he, and other like him, defended.

You see, a different type of woman throws themselves into a military wife role. I mean, c’mon. They are in shape. They have job. The uniform…good God the sexy uniform. It’s to the point of being glamorized in Hollywood. But what Hollywood doesn’t show is the commitment these men have. The utter insistence on being the sheepdog.

When I started dating my husband we’d both been through a marriage. Mine included drinking and adultery and the crappiest rent houses in Texas. His first marriage included duty. Honor. Combat.

It’s strange for me. Twenty years ago he pledged fidelity and undying love for me. I look at his face today and think …. wow. He PICKED ME. I’m 100% safe 100% of the time. And yet, everyone anywhere in his vicinity should feel the same and largely, they DO NOT KNOW IT. He would jump out of a perfectly good airplane into an area that none of us would ever dream to go for justice. For the end of oppression.

He jokes with me and says things like, “If I’m standing on it, it’s America.”  and “When I get there, I will arrive violently.” and “82nd Airborne. This is as far as the bastards are going.”

My hardest day is traffic. Not knowing what to make for dinner. Thinking my legs are probably not shaved enough for capri pants.

My Hub thinks of a lot more. The bigger picture. And never….. ever….. of himself.

Thank you. Thank you my love and the men who serve. Thank you.

 

Actually my hub. Actually hanging outside a perfectly good airplane.

My husband hanging outside a perfectly good airplane.

EDIT: Hub read my post and said, “Technically….it’s an Huey but that’s ok”…….Sorry!

I have (and hate) to admit it but Patricia Arquette is the catalyst for this post.

Pat wins an Oscar. And annoys me.

Pat wins an Oscar. And annoys me.

First, congrats on your Oscar, honey. I *loved* you in True Romance. I mean it was fucking awesome.

But your little speech at the end about equality for women was, #1: surprising (I mean who thought for a second you had political ambitions….you’re an ARQUETTE for fuck’s sake) and, #2: annoying.

Quick open letter to Ms. Arquette:

Be an activist. It’s a great calling. Go fix the shit you think is broken. I totally support that. You make way more money than I do and can afford to travel and support your cause(s). So 1…2….3…..go for it! And I totally get spewing your cause while accepting an Oscar cos, well, everyone is watching. But give a website address and then MOVE ALONG. Because where I stand I heard what came out of your mouth and looked at my Hub and said, “Holy FUCK what rights am I missing??? Have I overlooked something???”

Anyhooooooooooo…… from this point forward I will use this blog to simply be honest. It won’t be pretty. It won’t make people happy. And I don’t care. Honestly.

As if I needed any additional reasons to consider having an entire team of mental health professionals looking after me, I’ve begun to have these hilarious dreams that seem to like to involve complex scientific problems.

The first I like to call:

The Marines Make Accidental Dolphins

My Hub asked me to consult with him on a case involving a Marine. This gentleman was involved in some sort of accident while diving. We walk into this very elaborate laboratory (we’re wearing lab coats and everything) and Hub is telling me I don’t need the bunsen burner lighter thingie that was in my pocket but I ignored him.

There is a very scared looking man in pair of spandex bike shorts with EKG electrodes in random spots on his body (why on the calf?) and Hub is talking very intensely with the people standing around him.

“Okay, kid, get in,” Hub says to the scared Marine guy.

And he turns and dives into this swimming pool (don’t all high end laboratories have indoor swimming pools) and WA LA…. he’s a shiny black dolphin swimming and jumping around the pool.

 

Then we have the answer to all our prayers:

Sheep Hold the Answer for Anti-Aging

I walk into a lab where Hub and Kittie greet me at the door with big smiles. “We have solved human aging,” Kittie tells me. I’m very excited about this. Aging sucks. Hub tells me, “We have isolated a chromosome in sheep. It’s very hard to get to as it lives in the layer of skin that is right up against the muscle. Here, look.” And I look through a microscope at some cells. Kittie explains that when combined with a lotion and placed on the skin you will never age there again. No wrinkles, no age spots. Ever. I ask what it’s called and Hub tells me, “Well it’s the B.A. Chromosome.”

I straight face him. “What did you say?”

He looks confused, as if he can’t understand why he needs to repeat it. “The B.A. Chromosome.”

I start laughing and say, “You named it the BA Chromosome????? BAAAA….. BAAAAAAAAA.”

And now I’m bleating like a sheep and everyone is looking at me like I’m crazy and I’m laughing and baa-ing.

I really kind of hope these are the sheep that have the chromosome.

I really kind of hope these are the sheep that have the chromosome.

When I wake up and tell Hub about these dreams he just shakes his head and walks away. I guess I’m not getting a laboratory. Or a lab coat. Pity.

 

 

Hub and I have conversation that border on insane. Randomly unnecessary conversations that include actual information that may or may not be good for either of us.

ME:  Do you have ten seconds to talk to me?

HUB: I guess.

ME: I want your opinion on something. I have three phrases that I…

HUB: (interrupting) One thousand.

ME: No. Three phrases that….

HUB: (interrupting) Two thousand.

ME: Are you counting ten seconds?

HUB: No.

ME: **sigh** I have three phrases that I am going to make my personal goal to never have included in a sentence that contains my name.

HUB: This should be good. Is one of them “and then a reasonable discussion broke out”?

ME: Dammit.

HUB: No?

ME: The first one is “human trafficking”.

HUB: That makes sense.

ME: And “incarcerated for”.

HUB: This is just for going forward right?

ME: I’ve never been incarcerated, asshole!!!!

HUB: Keep going.

ME: And “seen fleeing the scene”.

HUB: That last one especially, please.

ME: My fourth place finisher is “where a body was found”.

HUB: Here are the phrases I WANT in a sentence with my name. “Remained standing after the huge conflargration”.

ME: Goddamnit.

HUB: “After destroying the last alien ship”.

ME: What?

HUB: “The last male survivor in a shipwreck of swimsuit models”.

ME: I’m finished with you.

HUB: I spent $13 on a new battery for my phone.

ME: Why is that something you WANT your name associated with?

HUB: I’m telling you something I did today.

ME: Go outside and look for UFO’s wouldja.

 

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OK so…. We bought our couch and it is one of those in 3 sections that hook together w/ a curved part in the middle and there are recliners on both ends but we misjudged how frakking big it would be so we just use the 2 ends to make a regular sized couch…. And then we got LARRY who INSISTS on sitting on the couch which is FINE until everyone wants to sit on the couch to watch tv or what not so that fat ass brown dog will either wedge himself in between two people and then proceed to be an asshole and kick and shove you until you give up and go to another room in disgust OR he proceeds to be an asshole and Hub kicks him off the couch then he sulks and talks back and finds something to destroy.

 So I’ve been knitting SITTING ON THE FLOOR (the dog is basically running our household because we are spineless or something)….so I mentioned about 6 weeks ago that I think I wanted a big double papasan chair JUST FOR ME to sit in while we are all in the living room and I can knit with my yarn and needles and scissors and shit right next to me…… and then about one week AFTER I mention that this big box arrives….. And it’s to Hub and he doesn’t open it and I said “Hey what the heck is this”…….well…it was the cushion for a double papasan chair!!! And he said, “Sorry, the base is shipped separately but Pier 1 says it’s on the way.”  

Well….that was SIX WEEKS AGO…..they refunded Hub’s shipping finally and the base arrived today….. And my phone is at home because I’m retarded and left this morning half asleep without it so Hub says, “Kittie said your chair is really nice and comfy and check your gmail.”

 Here’s my chair.

 God damn it.

 

No Larry.

No Larry.

(PS We haven’t taken our Christmas tree down yet so ignore that)