Archive for October 2012

There is absolutely no argument to be made about this….of the six (6) Star Wars movies that you can currently possess The Empire Strikes Back is head and shoulders the best of them. And I will prove to you why that is in this blog post. You will walk away full of wonderment and agreement. You will also have a brand new grasp on the depth my geek runs and it’s so deep if you touch it I writhe happily.

#1 Tauntauns: What the hell is better than a biped you ride like a horse that groans like menstrual woman with ram horns? The answer is NOTHING. And Han may have commented that they smell badly but so do boys and I lay next to one every day. I imagine he smells on the inside, too. What they don’t show in the movie is that I’m certain that tauntauns purr when you scratch them on the neck, have very pleasant stable manners, and will hug you back w/ their lil T-Rex arms.

#2 Lando Calrissian:  How do I get to be the administrator of Cloud City and who doesn’t want to live there?? Ok so not only is Lando’s job cool as hell he is suave, sexy, sports that 70s porn ‘stache like he emerged from the womb with it, and wears a cape!  Plus he is always flip-flopping to serve his greater good….approaches Han like he’s mad at him and then hugs him and tells him how good it is to see him…. makes a deal w/ Vader and then helps the Rebels escape…. things like this happen in my head all day with everyone I talk to.

#3 Yoda: The introduction to Yoda needs no description…. and let’s not forget what may be the best line ever uttered in any move ever made at any time in the history of humans came out of this puppet’s mouth….whiney-ass-Luke says he’s not afraid and Yoda tells him, “Yes. You will be.  You will be.” (The same exchange happened on my wedding night…..and I was Yoda. Just saying.)

#4 “I know.”: So…Han has been captured by the bounty hunter, they are going to freeze him in carbonite, and Princess Leia’s libido gets the best of her. If she doesn’t tell him NOW she may not ever get to tell him and if she tells him now and then rescues him she may get laid. So in the final moment before he is dunked into whatever the hell kind of machine freezes you in carbonite but makes you look bronzed she very emotionally says, “I love you!!” and he responds with a completely straight face….. “I KNOW.”  YOU fucking STUD! Smack that ass!

Disclaimer: I own none of these pictures and they all belong to George Lucas and his posse.

PS: I left out Hoth (I’d live there, too), “Luke…I AM YOUR FATHER” which is sadly so overused now it no longer has a lot of weight but you made the giant-inhaley-sucky-noise the first time you saw it and  you know you did, and Ghost Obi Wan (hokey but if you have to have a ghost I’d want mine to be Obi Wan for sure).

I want throwing stars.

An whole set. Why you may ask? Well if you asked why then you probably should not read my blog cos being a bad ass is all that this blog is about. And I need throwing stars to be a bad ass. Feel free to send me throwing stars. I’m going to carry them in every day life so I can fling them at random individuals that deserve a sharp pointy object imbedded in their body. Believe me I see a lot of these people.

For instance….. the dude in the jacked up truck on the freeway with the inappropriate racial slur that starts with the letter “N” shoe polished onto his back window….yeah..throwing star into the front right tire. Maybe you’ll swerve off the road and die. The person going through the express lane at the grocery store with a cart full of crap insisting it was under 20 items when it was really more like 50 items. Throwing star in the back of the skull.

I’m saving ONE special throwing star for the person who bruised my kid last week when she had appendicitis. At two o’clock in the morning my kid had her appendix removed cos, well, it just had to go. It was not the most exhilarating 72 hours of my life  to say the least and certainly the worst of hers. The only time I wasn’t with her was when she was in actual surgery. (Although opportunity to be there existed. An orderly kept coming in and out of the electronic door to get trash and here’s the conversation that went down:

ME: When that asshole comes back I’m sneaking through those doors and finding our kid’s operating room.

HUB: Go ahead.

ME: I will then!

HUB: I’m not going to be responsible when they throw you out of the building.

ME: They can’t throw me out. MY MINOR CHILD is a patient here!

HUB: You always SAY you won’t get thrown out but you always do.

ME: LIES! I do not! And here he comes…..just look like you don’t know me.

HUB: With pleasure.

ME: Ok shhh…no more talking.

HUB: If you go through those doors I promise I’ll beat the crap out of you.

ME: I hate you.

So I didn’t go back. If I had a pocket full of throwing stars, however, I *could* have totally gotten away with it! You just have to fling a few to get your way. I’m telling you, they are like the world’s backstage passes.)

ANYWAY….. the day after surgery she hobbles to the bathroom with my help (which means I manned the I.V. tree) and I notice this big horrible bruise on her hip and she can’t remember where she got it. I later questioned the nursing staff about it and they didn’t know.

See.  Throwing star in ONE NURSE FOREHEAD and I’m sure I’d have the answer.

Message me if you want to send me throwing stars. I need to rid the world of evil.

What is better than sex? I’ll tell you…annoying the HIGH HOLY hell out of your significant other and THEN having sex!  Believe me I am the master at this.

Saturday morning my husband wakes up at something around 5 a.m. and starts watching a movie that depicts WWII … in it’s entirety…. I swear I wake to the sound bombs and machine guns that sound not only LOUD but very CLOSE so I roll over and squint at the clock (cos I’m blind without corrective lenses and wore contacts to the point of injuring my eyes so I’m now stuck with glasses….so I look like a nerd 99% of my  life … I’m either wearing glasses or squinting like I have an I.Q. of 12…. the clock either says 6:10 or 15:20 … I know it can’t possibly be three in the afternoon…….so I say…)

ME: Um  what the FUCK?

HUB: Shhhh you’re supposed to be sleeping.

ME:  Is it ten minutes after SIX in the morning?

HUB: Do you think it’s ten after six?

ME: I hate you.

HUB: I’m watching this.

ME: You are about to be watching me stab you to death. This is SATURDAY!

HUB: It’s Monday.

ME: <moment of actual confusion> Ummm..I’m going to…NO IT IS NOT!! I still hate you. Why do you want to make me wish for death??

HUB: I’m watching this.

ME: Watch it in the living room.

HUB: Everyone else is sleeping.

ME: EVERYONE BUT ME!

We’re going to ignore that ‘everyone else’ is a Boxer Doggie and  a teenage girl that could sleep through a fire storm. (Uncle Tony is up at 4 and leaves right away to find cigarettes and other random roving individuals.)  Instead I try to block it out…until the screaming starts. I sigh very heavily and start to get out of bed.

HUB: Where are you going?

ME: Shut. Your. Mouth.

HUB: You don’t have to be a brat. What are you doing?

ME: I’m GETTING UP!!!! WTF??

I get in the shower and decide it’s my mission to piss him off the rest of the day.  He wanders in as I’m finishing up and he remarks that my Opium (by YSL) body wash smells good.  I say, “Thanks…I’m gonna squirt some into your eyes. How does that make you feel?”

He responds, “I don’t give a shit.”

I spent the rest of the weekend hearing that phrase…. … .”Honey, what do you want for dinner?” … response: I don’t give a shit.

Wonderful.  Tell ya what.

ME: I’m leaving. I won’t be back until I don’t know when and don’t call me.

HUB: I don’t give a shit.

ME: What if I’m going to buy crack and see if I can get arrested?

HUB: Don’t call me.

ME: Then take me to the vape store (we don’t smoke, we vape…ie: vapor e-cigs) and the grocery store.

HUB: Do I have to?

ME: If you want me to come home you do!

So he takes me. What he doesn’t know is I have snuck my vintage Speak-n-Spell into my purse. For those of you who don’t know what that is they look like this (and you are so young I could smack you):

Allllll the way to the store (it’s a 40 minute drive) I’m playing w/ this device.

SNS: Spell “danger”

ME: D-a-n-g-e-r

SNS: THAT IS RIGHT

SNS: Spell “loser”

ME: H-u-s-b-a-n-d

HUB: OMG

ME: Shhhh

SNS: That is incorrect..the correct spelling is l-o-s-e-r

ME: That sounded a lot like your name.

HUB: You’re a bitch.

ME: But how does that make you FEEL?

 

EDIT:  PS: Later that day I got laid.  Just saying.