Archive for January 2015

As if I needed any additional reasons to consider having an entire team of mental health professionals looking after me, I’ve begun to have these hilarious dreams that seem to like to involve complex scientific problems.

The first I like to call:

The Marines Make Accidental Dolphins

My Hub asked me to consult with him on a case involving a Marine. This gentleman was involved in some sort of accident while diving. We walk into this very elaborate laboratory (we’re wearing lab coats and everything) and Hub is telling me I don’t need the bunsen burner lighter thingie that was in my pocket but I ignored him.

There is a very scared looking man in pair of spandex bike shorts with EKG electrodes in random spots on his body (why on the calf?) and Hub is talking very intensely with the people standing around him.

“Okay, kid, get in,” Hub says to the scared Marine guy.

And he turns and dives into this swimming pool (don’t all high end laboratories have indoor swimming pools) and WA LA…. he’s a shiny black dolphin swimming and jumping around the pool.

 

Then we have the answer to all our prayers:

Sheep Hold the Answer for Anti-Aging

I walk into a lab where Hub and Kittie greet me at the door with big smiles. “We have solved human aging,” Kittie tells me. I’m very excited about this. Aging sucks. Hub tells me, “We have isolated a chromosome in sheep. It’s very hard to get to as it lives in the layer of skin that is right up against the muscle. Here, look.” And I look through a microscope at some cells. Kittie explains that when combined with a lotion and placed on the skin you will never age there again. No wrinkles, no age spots. Ever. I ask what it’s called and Hub tells me, “Well it’s the B.A. Chromosome.”

I straight face him. “What did you say?”

He looks confused, as if he can’t understand why he needs to repeat it. “The B.A. Chromosome.”

I start laughing and say, “You named it the BA Chromosome????? BAAAA….. BAAAAAAAAA.”

And now I’m bleating like a sheep and everyone is looking at me like I’m crazy and I’m laughing and baa-ing.

I really kind of hope these are the sheep that have the chromosome.

I really kind of hope these are the sheep that have the chromosome.

When I wake up and tell Hub about these dreams he just shakes his head and walks away. I guess I’m not getting a laboratory. Or a lab coat. Pity.

 

 

Hub and I have conversation that border on insane. Randomly unnecessary conversations that include actual information that may or may not be good for either of us.

ME:  Do you have ten seconds to talk to me?

HUB: I guess.

ME: I want your opinion on something. I have three phrases that I…

HUB: (interrupting) One thousand.

ME: No. Three phrases that….

HUB: (interrupting) Two thousand.

ME: Are you counting ten seconds?

HUB: No.

ME: **sigh** I have three phrases that I am going to make my personal goal to never have included in a sentence that contains my name.

HUB: This should be good. Is one of them “and then a reasonable discussion broke out”?

ME: Dammit.

HUB: No?

ME: The first one is “human trafficking”.

HUB: That makes sense.

ME: And “incarcerated for”.

HUB: This is just for going forward right?

ME: I’ve never been incarcerated, asshole!!!!

HUB: Keep going.

ME: And “seen fleeing the scene”.

HUB: That last one especially, please.

ME: My fourth place finisher is “where a body was found”.

HUB: Here are the phrases I WANT in a sentence with my name. “Remained standing after the huge conflargration”.

ME: Goddamnit.

HUB: “After destroying the last alien ship”.

ME: What?

HUB: “The last male survivor in a shipwreck of swimsuit models”.

ME: I’m finished with you.

HUB: I spent $13 on a new battery for my phone.

ME: Why is that something you WANT your name associated with?

HUB: I’m telling you something I did today.

ME: Go outside and look for UFO’s wouldja.

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-21 at 2.20.02 PM

OK so…. We bought our couch and it is one of those in 3 sections that hook together w/ a curved part in the middle and there are recliners on both ends but we misjudged how frakking big it would be so we just use the 2 ends to make a regular sized couch…. And then we got LARRY who INSISTS on sitting on the couch which is FINE until everyone wants to sit on the couch to watch tv or what not so that fat ass brown dog will either wedge himself in between two people and then proceed to be an asshole and kick and shove you until you give up and go to another room in disgust OR he proceeds to be an asshole and Hub kicks him off the couch then he sulks and talks back and finds something to destroy.

 So I’ve been knitting SITTING ON THE FLOOR (the dog is basically running our household because we are spineless or something)….so I mentioned about 6 weeks ago that I think I wanted a big double papasan chair JUST FOR ME to sit in while we are all in the living room and I can knit with my yarn and needles and scissors and shit right next to me…… and then about one week AFTER I mention that this big box arrives….. And it’s to Hub and he doesn’t open it and I said “Hey what the heck is this”…….well…it was the cushion for a double papasan chair!!! And he said, “Sorry, the base is shipped separately but Pier 1 says it’s on the way.”  

Well….that was SIX WEEKS AGO…..they refunded Hub’s shipping finally and the base arrived today….. And my phone is at home because I’m retarded and left this morning half asleep without it so Hub says, “Kittie said your chair is really nice and comfy and check your gmail.”

 Here’s my chair.

 God damn it.

 

No Larry.

No Larry.

(PS We haven’t taken our Christmas tree down yet so ignore that)